Quarantine Diaries, week #2

Hello.

It’s me. Can anyone hear me?

I haven’t written in this space for a hot minute, but we are currently finishing up week 2 of our self Quarantine and I am feeling the need for a little safe space.

So here I am.

I am not here to talk about the virus or stats or throw more EXTREMELY SCARY out into the inter webs.

No.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of 5 children and a job, learning that school is canceled for the rest of the year.

I’m just a wife, married to someone who is self-employed, trying not to think about the economy and oh by the way, who had to wait to see if we were even ALLOWED to keep working. (we are, btw, but PHEW that was a day.)

I’m just an extremely blind person whose eye doctor shut down WHILE new glasses were on order after my old pair snapped in half. In HALF.

So as I stare at my computer through taped together lenses (fyi, this does not work well), I am going to be honest with you.

I am scared. I am overwhelmed. I am tired.

And I think it’s okay to say those things out loud.

BUT.

I am going to follow this closely with:

I have hope. I am focusing on one day at a time and finding joy in the small things. I am grateful.

I don’t know what the future holds.

(Did I mention that Addison is extremely high risk because of her lingering pulmonary hypertension and her history there? Did I mention that current trends do NOT favor giving lots of hope to her treatment if she were to fall ill?)

But I’m not going to talk about the virus here.

I’m going to talk about the fact that I had a lovely time teaching my boys the names of the bones this morning. And then giving them their spelling quiz. And reading time. And listening to them practice the piano. Math worksheets to come!

I am laughing that they competed against each other to learn the skeleton and the kindergartner won. Which led to a whole NEW lesson: how NOT to be a sore loser. (To be fair, I am still learning this lesson myself, so it comes to him super honestly.) And then how we got to go BACK over the bones AGAIN, until everyone could say phalanges with 100% accuracy. (Addison’s pronunciation is questionable, but we are letting that slide.)

I am focusing on how nice it was to have extra time with Addison to help her wash her hair super well this morning, work on HER brushing it all out, and then circle back to her writing assignment which she tried to skip over. (Not on MY watch, Barbie Roberts!)

I am GLEEFUL at that fact that a robotic vacuum is currently cleaning my floors. And has been twice a day for the last few weeks. And that my kids now do all of the pickup to make this happen as part of our daily schedule. This is such a small thing, but SUCH a point of sanity for me in my days right now.

It’s the small things. The hot cup of coffee. The silence at night as the kids finally fall asleep. The clean floors. The funny moments. The outside walks with five healthy children. The baby’s first tiny pony tail. The delicious dinner (or, via my IG the other day, the sinful dessert). The way all of this all forces me to take a step outside my life and reevaluate ALL the things. The way the baby tries to sing along with everything. The way the sun is shining with hope of spring. The way the mountains peek over our deck. The gentle sway of the disc swing outside in the fresh air of the new season.

I can’t look at the big picture right now. I can’t.

But I’m enjoying splashes of color close up. I can’t help it. I’m extremely nearsighted, and my glasses are broken. (The number of hours I have to spend staring at a screen for work doesn’t let me wear my contacts as much as I used to. #sob)

BUT.

In this time of fear, inconvenience, and complete weirdness (WHO IS BUYING ALL THE TOILET PAPER AND WHY???),

I am choosing to be grateful. Even joyful. And I am trusting in a God who is so much bigger than a virus.

The small things.

Like…..an eye doctor that sent out an email yesterday about how sorry they were that they had to so abruptly close and the hope that they MIGHT be able to ship the glasses directly to me. (Phalanges crossed.)

Guess who emailed back .01 seconds later. #thisblindgirl

I am focusing on the next right thing (Thank you, Frozen 2). I am focusing on the moment. On today. On loving my babies the best I can right here, right now.

I have no idea what day it is. I am struggling in so many ways. And I give myself permission to struggle. Perfection is not expected here.

I have a God who is in complete control. And who is teaching me so much about finding joy. About patience. About leaning in.

I CHOOSE to lean in. I choose joy. I choose to be grateful for the many, many things that ARE going right.

I choose….hope.

But enough about me.

How are you doing with these weird, weird times?

Are you okay? #safespace