I felt like a bad mom tonight.

And I know why.

It’s not because of what I did. It’s because of what I didn’t do.

The thing that I’ve held tightly every night for the past year. The point at which my children all cuddled around me and we joined spirits before calling it a day. The point that our souls connected and no matter what pandemic horrors that day had held, everything was going to be okay. Because in that moment, it was perfection.

Tonight I skipped it.

And it’s crushing me.

As the children climbed into their beds tonight, something was missing. There were extra tears. Extra acting out. Extra sadness.

They missed it too.

I’ve started fondly calling it The Event of The Year.

Because it was the only thing that wasn’t canceled. Couldn’t be canceled. We grabbed hold of OUR THING, and said “NOT TODAY, PANDEMIC. YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS. WE WILL DO IT EVERY DAY SO HA TO YOU.”

But back up one year ago when school was canceled. My lessons were canceled. Church was canceled. Our entire lives were cancelled and suddenly I was in the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with 5 children on top of my head while I tried to work.

I desperately needed something, ANYTHING, to cling to each day as a semblance of schedule. A schedule that gave me wide gaps of quiet time to get my work in. Or just to catch a breath.

And so we slapped together a schedule. (and be “we” I mean “me”. But I really had to develop a few extra sets of hands and to get ‘er all done, so perhaps “we” is the most appropriate word here.)

But.

Nighttime.

There were no ballet classes that we were rushing in from. No nighttime programs. No lessons that I was off teaching while a sitter put them to bed.

It was just me.

And them.

And endless nights to fill.

So this is when it started.

And it is my favorite favorite thing. And the memories from doing this this past year are perhaps the sweetest parts of my entire life.

So what is the thing? The Event? It’s so simple, it’s almost laughable. But also, it’s the most brilliant use of our evenings. It’s not just a “thing”, it’s a habit.

Well, let me explain….

Every night after dinner, one son practices the piano while another takes his shower. Then they switch places. Meanwhile, the girls get in the bath. Everyone (minus the baby who I have put in bed by this point), then all scrubbed and ready for bed, meets me in the new room.

I turn the fake fireplace on the TV. The flames dance cheerfully, creating our backdrop and setting a cozy, happy mood.

Then we gather around the piano. I realized a while back….why don’t my children know very many hymns?!? So much musical value to hymns! Old fashioned, no frills, SINGING the hymns.

So we do this first every night. We learn a new hymn every week. Then we cycle through the other hymns we know. Singing around the piano, working on pitch…working on the text….answering questions as we go.

Even though we don’t do every hymn every night, we ALWAYS sing Count Your Many Blessings every night. And after we sing it, we go around our little circle of people and everyone has to state one blessing from their day. (Love this…there’s always at least ONE good thing to pull out of every day. The exercise of looking for it….a life skill right there.)

Once singing is done, we pile onto the couch under our softest of couch blankets and read a Bible story. A short story, but still. There’s always lots of questions. We answer as many as we can. And then we pray together.

On my “on weeks” we then rehearse a memory verse. I don’t always fit this one in every week. But the verse on “considering others before ourselves”….let’s say everyone knows this VERY well.

But. Then.

We then dive head first into a chapter of whichever book we are reading that week.

We are currently neck deep in Harry Potter. About to start book 4 (illustrated books). We went through a boys mystery series over the summer and fall. And tackled super SUPER fun Christmas books over Nov and December.

The kids all gather around, practically drooling to find out “what happens next!”. And when I finish reading for the night, there are lots of shouts of “NOOOOOOO! Keep reading!”

And this makes me smile. I mean, that’s probably 80% “I don’t want to go to bed” and 20% “I need more reading in my LIFE”, but I’ll take it.

But reading time.

I wrap my arms around the children leaning against my shoulders. They want head tickles (makes turning pages v v tricky but hey, I have a masters degree). We read.

We read and read and read. We read the heck out of this year. Fireplace as our backdrop. Cozy blankets surrounding us. Intently listening children gathered around, meeting me in the place of the story and exploring together all around the world even as we were bound to our house….my heart has never been happier.

We started tentatively as we found our footing last spring (hymns didn’t get added until later. We started the habit small.) But it has now become a thing.

An event.

The Event Of The Year.

Total Event can take anywhere from 20-50 min.

But. It’s always worth it.

I realized last spring that I can’t control what happens outside my house. But I can control the atmosphere and tone inside it. And the tone I want, the atmosphere I want to cultivate, they both start with this evening Event. It’s taking unexpected extra time and creating space to learn. To explore together. To bond over a shared ritual. (lately this ritual includes a lot of “I HOPE HARRY IS GOING TO BE OKAY” …. good times.

I was tired tonight. It was Friday night movie night and it ran late. I skipped our thing.

At least one kid fell asleep sobbing tonight. Another needed lots of extra hugs. The other two were extra wound up.

I realized. Sometimes it’s the simplest of bedtime rituals that can hold the most meaning.

It’s not about the singing and the reading.

It’s about us. Finding our footing in a tough year. Together.

One page/note at a time.

And I am beyond grateful for it.

Even on days that I am a terrible mother.

Because….well…..Harry Potter didn’t have a mother and he turned out great (ish) so there’s that.

Here’s to the next chapter. A better tomorrow. And a couch of squirmy, curious children who want just “one more page”.

#momlife