Motherhood is a fickle bitch.

Oh wait…did I say that? I meant…no I said it. It’s been that kind of week.

This week I experienced some high highs and some low lows in this thing called Motherhood.

For instance…celebrating Carter’s birthday! Can’t believe he turned 9! He’s so strong and independent and turning into such a fun big person. He begged and begged for a skateboard. BEGGED. He would pull up the one he wanted on every computer, phone, and tablet in the house and leave them all open with his finger pointing to the “add to cart” button every time he walked by.

Subtle.

Being kind of preoccupied with life and work and kids and school decisions, I decided to just do it and make his day.

Not only did I purchase this skateboard, but I created a masterful clue game that he had to solve before he could find the skateboard.

IT WAS MAGICAL.

The kids all gathered together to solve Carter’s mystery. They laughed and ran about the house as a team and my HEART EXPLODED.

(Except for that moment when the clue read “Go to the place where your clean clothes live” AND THEY ALL RAN TO THE COUCH. Traitors.)

But I digress.

It was such a beautiful motherhood high. I smiled all day. Not just smiled. I BEAMED all day. Look at my boy all grown up. He even said THANK YOU all on his own. Best gift ever!!! After being the most challenging toddler on the face of the planet, the person he is growing into is just so delightful and fun and smart. (His quick comebacks leave me speechless at times haha.) And he’s just so athletic. He immediately was ALL OVER that skateboard. So fun watching this!

24 hours later.

Urgent care. X-rays. Broken Wrist.

Once again, he operates in very subtle ways.

“The water made me fall off the skateboard.” Is the story we are going with, apparently.

So, motherhood high to….a blowing up day with extra appointments, a crabby little boy in pain, and one slightly (but still definitely) broken wrist.

Other highs and lows mixed in there…

High…the baby slept in to 8am this once week and the others got up and just quietly made their own breakfasts while I stayed in bed too (and they did not make a mess). YES!!! So luxurious! (this was the day before the skateboard disaster. God knew I would need extra sleep to deal with that mess.)

Low…the baby now refuses to go to sleep at night. And I’m pretty sure she just climbed out of her crib for the first time. She just stomped into the kitchen with her hand on her hip with a look of, “Did you REALLY just LEAVE me in there? HOW COULD YOU.” Strong, dramatic personalities run in this family. We have no idea where they are getting it from.

High…I found out Addison is getting 4 in person school days to start the year! She needs this so badly and I am so relieved for the help of her village once again!

Low…I realized that she has moved on from her box of torn books to my lovely, new books that I’m reading on my nightstand. (She eats and tears up these books). I can’t even explain to you how it physically hurts to see her destroy the books I love. I just cannot. I don’t know what to do anymore and it is just so hard.

High….the baby had her first ice cream cone (holding it on her own). The look on her chocolate covered face as she tried to lick her cheeks clean…and then when she couldn’t lick anymore out of the cone, she borrowed a spatula from Morgan’s kitchen to dig the rest out. Hehe.

High….snuggling them all on the couch to read another chapter of our latest mystery read aloud (THIS IS THE BEST PART OF EVERY DAY)

Low…just feeling like such a failure when Carter got hurt. Did I do anything wrong to set him up for this? No. He was skateboarding at a park with friends where Aaron was working while I had Morgan at her physical a half a mile away. Could I have changed anything? No. Did I get him immediate help? Yes. (Well, Daddy did since he was right there.)

It’s just…motherhood is a fickle….(I won’t say the word again I promise). The whiplash from the high to the low is just…intense.

I think that even the little things are hard to process and cope with right now because of the year we’ve had. Throw in an unexpected big thing and it just feels impossible to wrap one’s mind around it.

We are limping along here at this point of 2020.

But I will say that one thing that has been helping me a ton is this book on Mindset that I’ve been reading. I’ve got more to say on this topic, but for now…

This year has been HARD, losing school and all support with the kids on top of working and keeping house and trying to do all the things.

But.

Instead of focusing on the hard, I’m focusing on the opportunity for growth. I am leaning into the hard days because I am finding chances to learn and grow there. Even though the only thing yesterday taught me was, “Wow, the normal hard days aren’t so bad compared to this.”

I am not a failure as a mom. I had a day yesterday. But I am NOT a failure. (If you’ve read the book, you’ll get the reference)

We just learned that some days are created to make us stronger people. Even if it’s just to weaken us in the name of sending us toppling onto the grace and strength of God.

We can’t change 2020. We just have to somehow get through it. Stronger. Better. Smarter.

With skateboarding protective gear.

Now if you will excuse me…there’s a curly blonde 4-year-old curled up next to me in bed. This one alternates between high and low depending on whether she’s kicking or snuggling. Such a fun game.

Motherhood…it’s Labor Day weekend and we are celebrating my Labor Day baby boy 9 years ago.

But truthfully…the labor was the easy part.

There’s no epidural for urgent care x-rays waiting room situations.

Or for dealing with cranky pants for the next two days.

Or for the week surrounding it full of chaos and 2020 problems.

Mindset.

So much freaking growth this year.

Now. If I could just finish the book before Addison eats it…that would be great. #2020goals